she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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