now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
