the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
