my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
