Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
