There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
