my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
