awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
