I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize