you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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