3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
