His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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