3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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