How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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