i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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