I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
