Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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