She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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