just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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