the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
