two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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