i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
please don't ironically join a cult
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