Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
