took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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