look no pants
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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