Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
