thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
