party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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