I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
