I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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