I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
