I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize