I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
i think my cat just said my name.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
