I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
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