You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
