your parents love me but you hate me
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
