You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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