Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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