No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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