Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
