Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
