she looked like the before picture.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
