i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
