Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Randomize
