he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
