my shit smells like andre
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
