hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
