Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
