I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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