I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
