I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
