just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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