In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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