I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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