he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I would fuck him just for his dog
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
