apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
