do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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