Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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