WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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