i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize