You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
