Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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