You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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