no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
