i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
