I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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