He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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