Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
