you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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