im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
