He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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