A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
home. puking in laundry basket.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
