I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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